addendum

Victor LaValle asks this about last week's blog:
"I wondered how a woman's stalking seems different than a man's. All the things you brought up are things men do too, so what makes it different?"

I thought I'd go ahead and respond here in case anyone else wonders the same thing. First of all, if you read the essay, you understand that while she spends all sorts of time tracking her ex, she doesn't actually contact him. I used the word because she does. Wikipedia defines stalking as:

• repeated following;
• unwanted contact (by letter-writing, or other means of communication);
• observing a person's actions extremely closely for an extended period of time; or
  
• performance of actions or skits designed to frighten or terrorize

I guess what she was doing falls under the third category. While I didn't mean to gender privilege stalking, or imply that it's a constructive way to spend anyone's time, I do think some kinds are worse than others. The internet has radically changed what we can know about a person, before, during and after a relationship. While spending that much time "watching" someone might be creepy, it also doesn't directly impact their lives if they don't know about it (unless they own their website and track the IP addresses of those who visit, which might be equally creepy). I admired the candidness of Pollitt's self-examination; her humor and humility allowed me to examine some of my own actions and impulses, which led me to probe where they might come from.

So, do I think it's any more sensible for women to waste time pining and peering than men? No. Do we all get our heart's broken and have difficulty letting go? Of course. Do I think men's tactics might be more likely to openly convey anger or aggression? Maybe. Do I think women are more likely to confess to feelings of abandonment/ loss and analyze/ blame themselves and their impulses? It looks that way to me, (although my high school students taught me about "emo" last summer, which may or may not forecast a shift for future generations). Finally, the question of whether there's more at stake for women than men at certain stages of life depends on who they are. As for the other definitions of stalking, or anything that involves an actual physical threat, there might be a gender difference to consider if you look at the statistics around violence, but that's another issue...